2012: A year of sorrow.

I have said this many times. 2012 was absolutely the worst year of my life. It was filled with one horrible experience after another. I found out I was pregnant the first week of January. I thought 2012 was going to be amazing. I was pregnant with our first child and couldn't be happier. Then I had my first ultrasound and that was without question the worst day of the worst year. Imagine, going in thinking you are going to see your beautiful growing baby on that screen with their heart beating away only to find out your baby was already gone. At first I couldn't talk or even think. My whole world just fell apart in an instant. I just didn't understand. I had all the symptoms, including terrible morning sickness, so how could anything be wrong? I felt betrayed by my own body. My heart was shattered and I had no idea how to put it back together. I have had more earlier losses since then, but I won't go into every detail. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my angel babies. I can't tell you how much it tears you up inside. It's enough to bring any woman to her knees. I have asked God over and over why this has happened to me. I don't know the answer to that. Nobody can tell me that. But for whatever reason, when I am finally able to hold my child in my arms and bring them home, that will be the best day of my life. And I pray that day is soon.

A girl's best friend

No, not diamonds. My dogs. I truly love my dogs as I think (and hope) most people do their own furry companions. They love me unconditionally, don't judge me, and are pretty darn cute. Even as I type this, Lola is curled up next to me using my foot as her pillow. They've never been "just dogs" to me. Of course I am very grateful for my wonderful husband and my amazing family and friends, but there is something about those cold little noses and deep brown eyes that get to me.

First Post.

Original title for this post, I know. Anyways, I started this blog mainly because I need a place to just write (or type) out my feelings. I don't always say what is on my mind, and lately there is a lot. This journey has not been easy. We've been trying to start a family for a while and have lost multiple angels along the way. Which is another reason I started this blog. I am taking a break from facebook for a while because it hurts to see all the announcements, pictures, ultrasounds, etc. Not that I don't want to be happy for those people, but to see it every time I check to see what my friends are up to is hard. Especially when my heart is so broken. I just need to take a step back for now, for my own peace of mind. So for any family or friends that want to keep up with me, this is for you too.

I named this blog from a song. I'm sure it was written about a relationship, but I always think of Wes and I telling each other this about not giving up on our dream. And as much as I feel like it at times, I won't give up. I especially feel the part about learning " how to bend without the world caving in". I have felt like my world has come crashing down many times in this past year and somehow I manage to pick myself back up. And to be going through all this has aged me beyond my almost 24 physical years. I feel my soul is indeed, much older. And God must really think I am tough enough for all the pain I have endured. Like I said, this song really speaks to me.

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No: I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up