My miracle child

It's been a while now since I last wrote. A lot has changed since then. I am now 31 weeks pregnant with my daughter! She is perfect. I feel her move, dance, and even hiccup inside me all the time. I love every kick and jab, even if it is in the ribs when I'm trying to sleep. She is truly amazing and I can't believe I am finally getting my rainbow baby after all we went through to get her. It wasn't easy. After my fourth loss in January 2013, I was about to throw in the towel. I just couldn't keep going through loss after loss, never knowing when or if I'd ever get my baby. I spoke to a specialist shortly after my fourth miscarriage. He went over all the tests I had done in the last few months and decided that next pregnancy, I needed to be on Lovenox injections. They are a blood thinning shot I would have to give myself in the stomach everyday for 9 months to protect my future baby from possible blood clots that might have formed and cut off their blood supply from me. Also, I tested positive for elevated natural killer cells. The things that protect you against illnesses, if too high, can also attack a pregnancy. So I would also have to get at least two IV infusions of a fat emulsion to suppress them while pregnant. A few weeks after talking to him and starting to make a plan to go onto fertility treatments, I found out I was already pregnant. I was immediately put on Lovenox and scheduled for my first IV infusion. I had an ultrasound at 6 weeks 4 days. Before my appointment, I was terrified. I was so scared that my fifth little baby would be lost like the four before him or her. But when I saw that little bean with a beating heartbeat, and then actually HEARD it...tears of joy started falling. Everything looked perfect. I went back two weeks later and saw my baby had grown so much already. After the second ultrasound looked great, I was released from the specialist to my regular OB. At 19 weeks, we found out our baby was a girl! We were both so excited (and still are!) about having a daughter. I can't imagine loving her any more than I already do, but my love grows for her everyday and I know that when I hold her in my arms and see her face to face, my heart will burst with love. October 28th, can hurry up and get here! God has truly blessed us and my sweet baby girl will always know how much she is wanted and loved. Having babies doesn't come easily to all of us, and I will always remember the pain of the struggle to get here, but I think it has made me even more grateful for my daughter.

"I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him." 1 Samuel 1:27

24 Candles

My 24th Birthday is tomorrow. This time last year, celebrating was the last thing I wanted to do. I didn't have a cake, a party, nothing. I didn't even want presents. Even though my wonderful husband and family had to get me something. My birthday was only 2 weeks after my first loss and I was not in a good place. This year is different. I'm in a much better place now and even feel like celebrating my birthday this time. I still miss my angels very much, but I know they are safe and happy in heaven. A place full of love and void of pain and sadness. Of course I still look forward to the day when I can hold and raise my own pumpkin on this earth with me. And I know that day is coming.

Stronger

A year ago I found out that my first sweet baby was gone. It's almost been a year to the day of my D&C. Wes and I took that Sunday to go take roses to the park. Since we didn't have a place of our own to visit, we decided that was a good spot. We placed the roses one by one into the water where they floated gently. I still miss my Bean Bunny and think of her every day, as I do my other angel babies. 14 months ago I would not have guessed that would have happened to me. A year ago, I would not have believed I would go through even more losses. This is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to face. I was angry for a long time. I could not understand why this had to happen to me time and time again. Why did God leave me to suffer through all this pain? My heart kept breaking over and over. I was on the edge of giving up. I was so tired of going through the sorrow while everyone around me seemed to be getting their happily ever afters. It is still hard for me to see others attain so easily what I longed for so badly. But I am much stronger than I ever imagined. I still do not know God's ways but I do know that they are much higher ways than my own.
This song came on the radio a lot when I was really struggling.

Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
 Believe me, this is gonna make you ...

Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares

'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
In time it's gonna get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger

2012: A year of sorrow.

I have said this many times. 2012 was absolutely the worst year of my life. It was filled with one horrible experience after another. I found out I was pregnant the first week of January. I thought 2012 was going to be amazing. I was pregnant with our first child and couldn't be happier. Then I had my first ultrasound and that was without question the worst day of the worst year. Imagine, going in thinking you are going to see your beautiful growing baby on that screen with their heart beating away only to find out your baby was already gone. At first I couldn't talk or even think. My whole world just fell apart in an instant. I just didn't understand. I had all the symptoms, including terrible morning sickness, so how could anything be wrong? I felt betrayed by my own body. My heart was shattered and I had no idea how to put it back together. I have had more earlier losses since then, but I won't go into every detail. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my angel babies. I can't tell you how much it tears you up inside. It's enough to bring any woman to her knees. I have asked God over and over why this has happened to me. I don't know the answer to that. Nobody can tell me that. But for whatever reason, when I am finally able to hold my child in my arms and bring them home, that will be the best day of my life. And I pray that day is soon.

A girl's best friend

No, not diamonds. My dogs. I truly love my dogs as I think (and hope) most people do their own furry companions. They love me unconditionally, don't judge me, and are pretty darn cute. Even as I type this, Lola is curled up next to me using my foot as her pillow. They've never been "just dogs" to me. Of course I am very grateful for my wonderful husband and my amazing family and friends, but there is something about those cold little noses and deep brown eyes that get to me.

First Post.

Original title for this post, I know. Anyways, I started this blog mainly because I need a place to just write (or type) out my feelings. I don't always say what is on my mind, and lately there is a lot. This journey has not been easy. We've been trying to start a family for a while and have lost multiple angels along the way. Which is another reason I started this blog. I am taking a break from facebook for a while because it hurts to see all the announcements, pictures, ultrasounds, etc. Not that I don't want to be happy for those people, but to see it every time I check to see what my friends are up to is hard. Especially when my heart is so broken. I just need to take a step back for now, for my own peace of mind. So for any family or friends that want to keep up with me, this is for you too.

I named this blog from a song. I'm sure it was written about a relationship, but I always think of Wes and I telling each other this about not giving up on our dream. And as much as I feel like it at times, I won't give up. I especially feel the part about learning " how to bend without the world caving in". I have felt like my world has come crashing down many times in this past year and somehow I manage to pick myself back up. And to be going through all this has aged me beyond my almost 24 physical years. I feel my soul is indeed, much older. And God must really think I am tough enough for all the pain I have endured. Like I said, this song really speaks to me.

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No: I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up